Mothers Day

Happy Mothers day to all the mothers out there.  

Today is a day that i find very hard to deal with.  I miss my mom so much and my grandmother so much and with my kids so far away I don't want to be up.  I could easily stay in bed all day and wish the world away.  But I have to keep moving forward and remember the times with my mom and grandma that mean so much to me, and the Mothers Days that are so precious to me when my kids were small. 

There is a part of me that is jealous of some of the women I know that have their children and grandchildren close to them or those that still have their moms.  

I started a new job recently and I work with a young girl and her and another co worker were saying how their mothers were such a pain at times.  After they had finished their conversation I said to them...you are so lucky to still have your mother so cherish her always and remember yes moms can be a pain but they are that way because they love you.  Then I said I wish I could still say that my mom was pain.  They then understood why I said what I did.  

Happy Mothers Day Mom Miss you love you!

So Happy!!!

Today is the first day in almost 4 months that I can actually say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....

December 27th, 2012 was the first day I sent out a resume for a an office position, the first of many.  I would sit in front of this computer for hours scouring all the employment sites.  I lost count the number of resumes I have sent out.  Well I guess perserverance has paid off.  On March 20th I had applied for a position that basically described my "perfect" job.  It was right up my alley.  So I emailed my resume.  I never heard from them.  Which I was used to cause alot of employers looked at where I lived and said she lives too far out.  So a week ago today I received a phone call from the company that advertised my "perfect" job.  She asked if I had a job yet, I said no.  She then said ok great Ill give you a call sometime next week and set up a time for an interview.  Well needless to say I didn't hold my breath. Monday she called and set up an interview for Wednesday.  
Wednesday came and off I went to Lethbridge for the interview.  Well the longest 2 days of  my life were Thursday and today Friday.  But I finally got the call at 1:19 pm informing me that I got the job!  
You are probably wondering ok you got a job.  Well I have been on my own since I was 17 and always supported myself.  At one point I even helped support my "adopted" siblings.  The only time I did not work was when I had my kids.  I was a stay at home mom.  Since then I have worked, I have always had my own money.  When I met my hubby in 2005 I travelled with him in the truck for 6mos straight.  Once I got out of the truck I went to work.  At one point I had 3 jobs!  I am an independent woman and hate having to depend on anyone for money.  So that is why the last few months have been so hard on me.  And also why I am so stoked to finally have a job, and its not just a job it is a career!  In 2006 I took a course "transportation safety basics".  This is a leeway into safety within the transportation industry.  I loved doing this job.  And I think I was pretty good at it.  Hell I can even audit Log Books with out a program.  I was also a WHMIS trainer and a TDG trainer.  So to get this job and with a company as big as it is I am just on cloud 9 right now!  

 

Missing Mom

April 5th 2011 was another day that changed my life forever.  A day shy of the month anniversary of my daughter Katies death.  This was the day I guess Katie felt she needed her Nan.  This is the day that I lost my mom, my children lost their Nan.  I know I am not the only one in my family that suffered a loss that day.  My younger half sister lost her mother that day as well and my nephews and niece suffered a loss that day too.

That day will always be imbedded in my mind.  I am not sure what i would have done if it had not been for my moms dear friend M and my cousin.  Without them I am sure that myself and my youngest would have been in worse shape than we were.  My son and his aunt (my halfsister) were on their way to the island and were almost there when mom left us. Myself, my cousin,  moms best friend, and my youngest were with her when she quietly left us.

The next few days are a blur.  I don't think I have truly broken down mind you I do have my moments especially watching a sappy movie about mothers etc. Even now I am typing this through tears.  I miss her so much.  I feel such an emptiness in my heart without her.  Up until recently I felt that I was silly for missing my mom so much at my age.  But I had a conversation with a friend of mine who lost her mom quite a few years ago.  And she feels the same way as I do and misses her mom more and more every day.  

Sitting here typing this a memory came back to me and made me smile and laugh.  Katie was home with me so we went over to PEI to see my Mom.  We went shopping and I think it was Kmart that was closing then I am not sure.  Katie was about 15 so my son was about 8 and well my youngest was about 2.  So the kids were hungry so went to the lunch counter in the store to have lunch.  There was a man sitting behind us and seen all of us sitting there and of course the younger ones were acting up a bit and big sister Katie was the mediator between the 2 younger ones.  This man looked at us and said to Mom "Wow your daughter sure has her hands full with the little one"  Mom looked at him and I looked at him funny, I said as I pointed to Katie "the little one isn't hers she is mine and she is my oldest" and the boy is my middle one.   so then he looks at mom and says wow your nieces and nephew are nice looking kids.  At the time I was appalled that this fella thought mom and i were sisters.........The look on his face when I told him that she wasn't my sister she was my mother and that these were her grandchildren.   The look was priceless.  My mother then said " I know i don't look old enough to have grandchildren".  then she preceeded to flirt with this fella.  I look back now and laugh at this, cause that is the way mom was.  She didn't like to admit that she had a daughter that was only 18 yrs youngers than her....lol.  

I remember the day that I told Mom and Dad both that i was pregnant for my oldest.  At the time my mom had just had my sister in February 1977 and here I was in June of 1979 showing up very pregnant.  Mom flipped "I am too young to be a grandmother" .  Well when Katie was born 3months later mom was very happy.  So I made my mother a grandmother when she was 39.  So fast forward to 1995.  I had just made mom a grandmother for the 3rd in 1993 and she was quite content.    I proceeded to tell my mother that in March of 96 she would be a great grandmother.  Well I didnt need the phone that day as I swear I could hear her cry all the way from PEI to NS....Hahaha.  
It seemed after the birth of her first great grandchild she embraced being a great grandmother after all she was only turning 55.  After that when people asked her age she would proudly tell them and then proceed to tell them that she had 3 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild.  Then in 2000 my half sister had her first and then she had 3 more.  So mom now had 7 grandchildren and a great grandchild. People didn't believe her.  then when my grandson was born she bragged even more.  Friends of hers had a hard time believing that she was as old as she was.  But in reality she wasn't that old well to me she wasn't.  Mom was turning 69 when her 2nd great grandchild was born.  Mom always made me smile and chuckle when she would say to me that she had been to the hairdresser and had to have grey highlights put in her hair....lol.  
I miss her so much.  Her laugh and watching her dance...she had no rhythm but man she loved to dance. But most of all I just miss her!  RIP Mom and continue to watch over us your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren , keep us safe.  Love you and miss you!!!

My rant for today

Another holiday over with!!!!

It has been awhile since I wrote and the only reason I have for not writing is that well I haven't really been in the mood.  I have actually been quite cranky lately.  Seems the least little thing irritates me!  Today is Easter Sunday.  Easter is one of those holidays that really upset me.  

When I was growing up Easter was a special time for me. I would color eggs with my mom and grandma and they would hide them.  I would find them Easter Sunday and mom would make egg salad with the eggs that i found....hahaha.  It meant going to Easter Sunday service...(I was raised Roman Catholic) with my grandmother.  And after church we headed to my house and my mom would have a feast fit for a king ready for family and friends.  I would always get a new Easter outfit and some Laura Secord chocolates. I tried to continue some of those traditions with my kids they got chocolates and a new outfit and we would either go to my inlaws for supper or I would have a big meal at our house.  
But now my kids are grown and don't live anywhere near me and as for the grandchildren well they don't live close and I am not close to them for reasons that I don't really care to discuss at this point.  And my hubby well he actually made it home late Friday night and was home Saturday so I cooked a ham.  But it was nothing fancy just a baked ham and a side dish.  He does not come from a close family.  So it doesn't' bother him at all.  So needless to say I am glad Easter is over.

The next "special day" is Mothers Day.  Well I would rather forget that day.  My mother passed away almost 2 yrs ago.  And my mother in law has been gone a year and half now.  Mind you my hubby does have a step mother but her and I are not close.  Plus my kids live on too far away.  So Mothers day is going to be a wine day for me.  I will probably lock myself away from the world and drink my wine.  

I guess this is not really a bog right now is it?  No it is my way of venting and ranting.  The next few days are going to be tough as it is coming up to the 2nd anniversary of my mothers passing.  I miss her more and more every day.  Every time I look at old photos of her I start crying.  But I guess it is all part of the healing process.  
I know there are some family/friends out there that probably think that I have dealt with the death of my mother, but I have not.  I am not sure when I will deal with it ..well probably at the same time that I will finally deal with my daughters death.  This is a work in progress but the progress is very slow.  And in reality I don't think I will ever deal with either of their deaths.  

So if you are a friend or a family member reading this ...please bear with me and understand that although I may look very strong I am really not strong and I deal with the sadness of losing my mom, my daughter too soon.    

Dull and dreary morning

Woke up this morning and was in a good mood but that slowly slipped away.  It might be due to the dull and dreariness of the morning.  
I feel so down.  I try to be upbeat but sometimes it is so hard.  I try to keep busy and not let my mind wander but it does.  So this morning I thought Ill do some website work for my high school reunion in 2014.  Well that didn't last long at all.  I checked out the FB group for my high school and it seems anything that I try everyone is saying no.  The other organizer and I thought a weekend for the reunion would be good as there are quite a few of us that do not live in Ottawa, let alone Ontario.  So a we thought weekend would be good.  Apparently so far the consensus is a one day event.  
I can just see me telling my hubby oh hun that reunion I am going to in Ottawa is only for one day.  It isn't going to go over too smoothly.  (Well at least I don't think it will).  
I just feel that I am just not cut out for anything lately.  This is not the only thing that is bothering me today.  I have been out of work now for going on 3 months and nothing.  Hell I even applied for a car sales position that is how desperate I am getting.  Whether they will call me is yet to be seen as I just sent the resume in the other day.  
I miss my kids so much.  I really wish they were closer.  I know that is impossible for either one of them.  They are both so busy that i don't hear from them as often as I would like to hear from them.  I don't think they really realize how much I love them and miss them, maybe they do I don't know.  
Well I guess I've ranted on enough for the day.  I have had my cry and feel a bit better, so I am going to try and find something to keep my mind off of things and get me in a better mood.  
Thanks for letting me rant!

Until next time!!!   

Katie

I haven't written the past couple of days as the anniversary of the death of my oldest Katie was coming up and it is a hard loss to deal with.  You know we grow up and we lose loved ones through out the years but one never thinks that they will out live their own child.  My cousin, Ill call her D, lost a child a few years back.  At the time I could not fathom what she was going through.  My cousins and i were devastated by this loss but none of us knew the pain that D was going through.  2 years ago I knew exactly what she was feeling that day.  The worst part of losing my Katie was that yes she died March 6th, 2011 but I did not know until I had to have the police try and track her down as my mother had surgery. Ill never forget the date it was March 22nd, my grandsons birthday. You see my Katie was an addict.

Katie was born September 15th 1979 at 2:24 am at the Ottawa Grace Hospital.  She weighed 6.4lb and was 22 inches long.  She was on her own schedule to come out.  My labor started on the 14th in the afternoon. So she had me in pain for quite a few hours.  But the pain was well worth it in the end.  She was my girl.  I loved her so much.  She was a sickly baby for the first month and half.  And spent about 6 wks in the hospital.  She was always so frail until she was about 5 months old and it was like overnight she blossomed into this beautiful chubby baby.  I had moved in with a guy that I had dated once before and he adopted Katie as his own.  His family to this day swear that Katie was his but she wasn't.  Now my life with this fella was not the most idyllic.  He was a truck driver and was gone a lot so I was left with his mom and his sisters.  I adored his mom and his sisters.  I endured this man and his physical, emotional and mental abuse for 3 yrs.  I am not going to go into big details but all Ill say is that he threatened me and took Katie.  so Katie was raised by him.  You know hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I had known back then what I know now I wouldn't have let him take Katie but at the age of 23 I was scared and he had alienated my family from me so I had nowhere to go.  
Katie's life was not the best with him.  He married a woman who had a daughter and well anything that i bought for Katie they would give it to her daughter.  As Katie got older I guess he took an interest in her.  I found out when she would have been about 13 that he had molested her.  I tried to fight for custody but he found loopholes.  He filled her head with nonsense saying that I wanted to kidnap her and hurt her.  He was such a mean and vile man!!! By the time Katie was turning 8 i had my son J.   I got married and then had my youngest L, I had tried to keep tabs on Katie and had heard through the grapevine that she was doing drugs and had run away from home.  So I was finally contacted by Children's Services and they informed that Katie was in an foster home.  I immediately wanted her to come to me.  After jumping through hoops for the government for her to come and visit she came for a visit.  She was 15.  I finally had all my kids with me.  Her visit was too short.  
Summer was coming up and she was coming out again.  Then a few months after she had gone back she called me.  Well she was in tears and proceeded to tell me that she was pregnant. I was in shock.  I couldn't be a grandmother I had a 2 yr old toddler.  But at the same time I was excited.  So I brought her home.  Katie was a  handful and didn't like authority.  I had so much to deal with a hyperactive 8 yr old boy and a toddler.  Katie was prone to outbursts and very moody.  ( I found out later that she had been diagnosed as a schizophrenic)  She wanted to go back to Calgary and the baby's father.  So off she went.  Her brother and sister were devastated as they were so attached to her.  
Contact with Katie was intermittent at best of times.  I would try to phone her and the number would be disconnected or she had moved.  I would get sporadic reports from her stepmother.  Then finally on March 14th, 1996 I received the call that I was a grandmother of a little girl Ill call her T.  So  my son was an uncle at the age of 9 and my baby girl became an aunt one month to the day shy of her 3 rd birthday.  From here on Katie's life is a total mess.
Katie had always been into drugs before she had T.  From reports I heard she had been smoking pot with her dad and god knows what else.  Her dad was dying and he died when T was about 6 months old and I believe that was the trigger.  Soon after that Katie started calling me for money all the time.  I at times would send her some.  Then one day out of the blue she called and said that her and T's dad had split and she needed money for an apt, 500 to be exact.    She then said she was going to call her grandmother..(my mom) Sure enough my mom lent her the money.  Well Katie never got the apt and this is about the time that she said to T's dad she needed him to look after baby as she had to go look at an apt for them .  Well  Katie went on a drug spree.  She called me a few weeks later saying that she had lost custody of T.  It wasn't until later that I found out the truth behind the custody of my granddaughter.  I will say right now, and think of me as a rotten grandmother if you want, but my daughter losing custody to my granddaughters dad was the best thing that every happened for my granddaughter.    As I said Katie was an addict.  crack heroin and lord knows what else .     
I worried about her constantly I would hear from her from time to time.  She was in BC and was in a relationship with a fellow that had 2 boys.  She told me that he was not into drugs and was a welder, well another lie.  He was a dealer her dealer.  So again she was not off it at all.
Next thing I knew she was back with her ex and my granddaughter.  She wanted to move out of Calgary and get away from all the temptations.  So I said come home.  Well they only had enough money to get to Ottawa so I sent my youngest off to her grandparents and took my son with me and we went to get Katie and R and my granddaughter in Ottawa.  What a long trip that was we also took our dog.  What a time that was.  So I arrived in Ottawa at my "other" moms place.  We gathered up my Katie and her family and headed back to Nova Scotia.  I thought this would be a new beginning for them.  
I was wrong.  Things were fine for the first little while.  I loved having my granddaughter with me.  Katie was off the drugs and I convinced her to go back to school  She was doing great.  Her man on the other hand sat around on his fat ass all day and did nothing watching Jerry Springer!  I had 2 other children to look after and a grandchild that was just full of mischief...haha.  I didn't need a 3 rd child to look after.  So I told him that he had get out and get a job.  Katie had to have surgical procedure...well why should i sugar coat this...Katie was pregnant and he said that the baby wasn't his.  So he demanded her to have an abortion!!  I was raised catholic and that was not in my beliefs at all.  So we went through the process of being allowed to have the abortion.  The day of this procedure he would not even come with us.  I had arranged for a sitter for the kids but he still would not come.  So I held my daughters hand through this horrible ordeal.  Sitting here reliving this terrible time I am crying and can't see too well.  But this is why i am writing this so I can go through this healing process.  
The doctor came out and said Katie was fine and would be ready to go home in about an hour I asked him if he knew how far along the pregnancy was.  Now R & Katie had been back together for almost 3months and she was only 8 wks along.  I was devastated to think he had his own child erased out of his and Katies life as well mine and my childrens.  
Katie was on to be on bed rest for a few days.  The following day after her procedure R made her put T in the stroller and walk with him about 3 miles or more each way to drop off a resume.  I was furious.  I had offered to take them but he said no that they could walk.  I remember it being a cloudy cool damp day.  When they got back Katie had a fever, my granddaughter was cold.  I have never really forgiven him for that and I really don't know if I could even now.  
After the procedure things got well bad between R & Katie.  They would argue all the time and one day I hear Katie screaming from the basement ( their bedroom was down there) I ran downstairs and found her crouched in the corner and a hole punched in the wall just above her head.  My son came running down with his goalie stick and in a flash he had whacked his brother in law over the back with it and broke the stick and threatend him.  Now my son was only gone on 11 at the time.  I lost it.  My granddaughter was screaming and I got my son to take her upstairs with my youngest. 
I then proceeded to tell R to get out before I called the police.  Little did I know that the he still had legal custody of my granddaughter so he took her that night with him and that was the last time I saw her until a little over a year ago. 
This was the night that sent my daughter back to drugs!  For a long time I thought I had caused this but with a lot of soul searching  I came to the conclusion that it may have been a trigger but the end decision was up to her to decide to either stay clean and finish her schooling and fight for her daughter or to give up. 
All of this and my  marriage falling apart was too much for me.  I went into a depression.  I needed to get away and did so for a few days entrusting my Katie with the house and her siblings.  That was a big mistake.  I lost it on her.  Another mistake cause that just pushed her towards the drugs even more.  
She eventually left and headed west.  She ended up in BC how Im not sure.  She would phone and ask for money.  Or she would phone and tell me she was getting married.  
Soon after this I moved to PEI.  About a year or so after I moved there she found me and came out.  I thought ok one more try.  Boy I don't learn too well.  She again wrecked havoc not only on me and my son but on my family in PEI.  She conned her grandmother into paying her way back out west.  (My youngest was living with her dad then).  
To make a long story short, I had moved to Winnipeg to be close to the family I didn't know and Katie followed me there.  And yet again wrecked havoc.  But this time I said enough is enough!  Especially when I found out she was letting her little brother stay home from school while I was at work!  And had taken him downtown Winnipeg at night so she could score some crack and smoke it with her friends.  So I did the toughest thing in my life and that was to say to her that I was done!  And wanted her to leave my house and not come back.  That if she wanted me and her siblings in her life then she would have to get help and I didn't want to hear from her until she proved to me she had been clean for 3 yrs.  I know this is terrible but I had to do it for my children and my sanity.  I wish that on no mother whatsoever.  
So that is why I had to contact the police for them to find her when my  mother was sick.  I knew that she was in Toronto with the help of a dear friend "SCV".  She was able to track Katie through some people she knew.  I was so hoping to finally be able to talk to my Katie. I had not heard from Katie for about 7 yrs.  So I was very hopeful that when we tracked her down to tell her about her grandmother that it would be a sad time but happy at the same time cause I would then know where she has been and how she had been.  
.....
I can't go on today as this has been a pretty emotional time for me writing this down.  I will write more tomorrow.  
Until next time... hug your children everyday!